Instead Of

A hypothetical podcast wherein three friends consider life's real headscratchers: What if instead of with hands, sign language meant communicating with cue cards? How much ranch dressing is too much…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? What are we all, like, even doing here? Think of us as the very best of the replies on AskReddit, because then we can think it too.

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    This Isn't Frank's House?

    If there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Instead Of, it's staying current with the coolest fads and the trending hashtags out there, which is why—you guessed it—this episode is Bundy-adjacent. That's right: we saw the show, too, and boy are we gonna talk about it. Later on, Tapan puts his cup down, flips it, and reverses it, Mike gets even with Brian Urlacher, and Josh explains why Coolio is still cool enough to hang out with kids.

    Pairings: The phone of a ninja; the confidence of a cool teen; a heart worth taking

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    Whatever You Do, Do Not Hit That Old Man

    Sometimes the best moments in life are the ones that catch you by surprise. You know, like when you show up to do your normal weekly podcast and are confronted by a masked hellbeast with nice hair. That’s right, we welcome our first guest this week, and you’ll never, ever guess who it is, no matter how many questions you ask. Tune in to this one and you’ll get to hear our mystery guest class the place up a bit with topics like: the guystander effect, Josh’s incessant waffle-related boasting, clothes you can smoke, dying soon, and more!

    Pairings: a solid tooter; a 15 pounder; ...two showerheads!

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    His Name Was Andy

    Each moment, the bonds that tie us together through space and time weave together anew, continually updating and adding to the immense, interconnected tapestry of experience that shows us what it means to be human. These singular moments of connection--smiling at your neighborhood optometrist, sharing in the delight of the latest Andy Yankovic number, the chance discovery of a cool dead bird--often go on to inform the courses of our lives, the contents of our characters. That'll explain a lot about your hosts this week, during which: Josh unearths his deep childhood love for Andy Yankovic, Tapan hits pause, and Mike calmly displays his penis.

    Pairings: incorrect origami; a louder mop; a weed-related destiny

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    Self-help books will tell you that all the big successes in life are built on a mountain of failures. Similarly, Tenacious D will tell you that sometimes the tribute to the great podcast episode you did that no one heard because someone neglected to record their third is just as good as that original great episode. That's what we're banking on in this one, in which: Mike beefs it hard, Tapan reads a book in aggregate, Josh entices thirsty sloths, and we cook up a big old batch of Mango Everything.

    Pairings: kneepads; a choice LP; playlist envy

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    Paternal Human Father

    In the movies, it's really great when you come home after a long time away. Maybe you're a soldier, and your dog is really excited to see you. Maybe you've been traveling for work, and your partner has made you a romantic meal. Movies are great, aren't they? When you return to a podcast after a break, it turns out all you get is homework and whale shit. That's right—Mike and Josh recombine with Tapan this week, and we're digging fingers-first into important topics like: confidence and freedom vis a vis the nose palate, the relative merits of trophy husbandry, and the dogged pursuit of trivia. Later on we evaluate one another's lives, Josh gets licked, Tapan's suction cups don't align, and Mike successfully keeps the mic out of his mouth.

    Pairings: a cough of agreement; an owl-pinion; a happenin' daddy-o

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    An Apologetic Word to Your Mother

    Hello, my name is Tapan. I'm a podcast host, a man about town, and this week, I'm your only friend. That's right, it's just you and me now. Isn't this nice? We have so much fun together. Remember that time we talked about salt? Those were the days. Remember Josh and Mike and how stupid and ugly they are? This is much better. Yes. We're having fun.

    Pairings: FIFA withdrawals; the nicest mom ever; the dismembered corpses of your friends

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    A Galaxy of Flavor

    When we say we're going to do something on this show, we poop and poop and poop until that thing is done. In that vein, we follow through in this one, which means a whole lot of secondhand Pepto for you and a whole lot of firsthand diarrhea for us. On the menu this week, we're featuring a blood-axed ketchup and dogshit sandwich, a pizza made of several seasonal varieties of ass, and a classic murder combo: fish and sausage. Despite the fact that we eat a bunch of garbage, this is a deceptively sexy episode, in which: tapan ups his upper lip game, Mike sells his friend for $100, and Josh out-Santas everybody.

    Pairings: 7 ounces of Caesar dressing; the Hamburglar's bloodied visage; 90 seconds with Ryan N.

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    I Will Eat It!

    Back home in Rotterdam, they say that the touch of Mother Luck is fickle. But here at Instead Of, we like to sit around the podcasting table, suck on some opals, and make our own luck. Unfortunately for everybody, we're much better at making luck than we are at making food. That's right, it's another classic foodie episode, and we're whipping up some hot streaks in this one: Josh flushes his way to the top, Tapan is desirable to a specific number of strangers, Mike eats a volcano, and in the end, we all lose, but damnit, we lose together.

    Pairings: the sexiest potato diamond you've ever seen; an extra-long belly ring; more ingredients

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    Coming Full Circle

    When it comes to knowing what jurisprudence is, your hosts are like a Monet: pretty fuzzy. This week, show badboy Josh is in trouble with the law again, and unfortunately for him, we're barely lawyers. While Josh r's in the c for b'in' and e'in', Mike gets seduced by MSRPs, Tapan upgrades his clem-intake, and we all come together to paint some circles.

    Pairings: a nice, warm tummy bladder; Galactic Dirt Doritos; bookends

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    Ten Dicks I See

    We’re sorry, everybody, but this ‘sode got pretty heavy into wieners. We’re not sure how; they just sort of crept up on us. Maybe it was one of those great cosmic coincidences where the universe is trying to tell us something about penises—you’ll have to ask Josh (he’s been to NASA). Amidst all the chat about different animals’ dicks, we drill down on some penetrating topics, including: Josh, and the bland corpse he will one day leave behind; Tapan, matchmaker to sexless felines; and Mike, who dissolves into a bag of goo live on the air.

    Pairings: six inches of Nerd; Instead Of Uncut; a ball sack stuck to your body for the rest of your life

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