Instead Of

A hypothetical podcast wherein three friends consider life's real headscratchers: What if instead of with hands, sign language meant communicating with cue cards? How much ranch dressing is too much…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? What are we all, like, even doing here? Think of us as the very best of the replies on AskReddit, because then we can think it too.

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    An Apologetic Word to Your Mother

    Hello, my name is Tapan. I'm a podcast host, a man about town, and this week, I'm your only friend. That's right, it's just you and me now. Isn't this nice? We have so much fun together. Remember that time we talked about salt? Those were the days. Remember Josh and Mike and how stupid and ugly they are? This is much better. Yes. We're having fun.

    Pairings: FIFA withdrawals; the nicest mom ever; the dismembered corpses of your friends

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    A Galaxy of Flavor

    When we say we're going to do something on this show, we poop and poop and poop until that thing is done. In that vein, we follow through in this one, which means a whole lot of secondhand Pepto for you and a whole lot of firsthand diarrhea for us. On the menu this week, we're featuring a blood-axed ketchup and dogshit sandwich, a pizza made of several seasonal varieties of ass, and a classic murder combo: fish and sausage. Despite the fact that we eat a bunch of garbage, this is a deceptively sexy episode, in which: tapan ups his upper lip game, Mike sells his friend for $100, and Josh out-Santas everybody.

    Pairings: 7 ounces of Caesar dressing; the Hamburglar's bloodied visage; 90 seconds with Ryan N.

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    I Will Eat It!

    Back home in Rotterdam, they say that the touch of Mother Luck is fickle. But here at Instead Of, we like to sit around the podcasting table, suck on some opals, and make our own luck. Unfortunately for everybody, we're much better at making luck than we are at making food. That's right, it's another classic foodie episode, and we're whipping up some hot streaks in this one: Josh flushes his way to the top, Tapan is desirable to a specific number of strangers, Mike eats a volcano, and in the end, we all lose, but damnit, we lose together.

    Pairings: the sexiest potato diamond you've ever seen; an extra-long belly ring; more ingredients

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    Coming Full Circle

    When it comes to knowing what jurisprudence is, your hosts are like a Monet: pretty fuzzy. This week, show badboy Josh is in trouble with the law again, and unfortunately for him, we're barely lawyers. While Josh r's in the c for b'in' and e'in', Mike gets seduced by MSRPs, Tapan upgrades his clem-intake, and we all come together to paint some circles.

    Pairings: a nice, warm tummy bladder; Galactic Dirt Doritos; bookends

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    Ten Dicks I See

    We’re sorry, everybody, but this ‘sode got pretty heavy into wieners. We’re not sure how; they just sort of crept up on us. Maybe it was one of those great cosmic coincidences where the universe is trying to tell us something about penises—you’ll have to ask Josh (he’s been to NASA). Amidst all the chat about different animals’ dicks, we drill down on some penetrating topics, including: Josh, and the bland corpse he will one day leave behind; Tapan, matchmaker to sexless felines; and Mike, who dissolves into a bag of goo live on the air.

    Pairings: six inches of Nerd; Instead Of Uncut; a ball sack stuck to your body for the rest of your life

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    'Tisn't It Gigantic?

    When it comes to procuring maternal love, your hosts are downright experts. As seasoned sons, we're battling it out in the filial trenches every day, grinding those approval numbers, forecasting birthdays, remembering to call. In other words, earning our percentage. Tune in this week to learn how you can achieve the amount of love you deserve when your senior citizen parents welcome more competition into the fold. Later on, we learn a lot about our moms, Josh brushes up on his arm action, Tapan greases a palm or two, and Mike moves into a shitty old underground cave.

    Pairings: car wash skis; ha'p'orths; a substance even more slippery than eels

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    A Line Drawing of a Spaniel

    This episode comes out on American Thanksgiving, a time of year when we gather with family and friends to feast, appreciate each other, and, with a little luck, listen to our favorite podcast hosts. Let us kick off the festivities by saying: You’re quite welcome. Among the many things we here at Instead Of are thankful for this year, the biggest one is definitely pee. We talk about it for hours and hours, and this episode’s no different. We also touch strangers on the elbow, install sprinklers in our pants, kill a dog, and finally get to the bottom of that age-old question: Could Sonia Sotomayor operate on a fish?

    Pairings: the grace of Josh’s presence; food, but for dogs; non-melting ice

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    On the Subject of Romance

    You're a short one, #73, but doggone it, you're just such a good one. On this, our 29 minute anniversary, I need to tell you, #73. I got it bad for you. There you are, all sexy with your irreverent segments and your cute little music cues, and then there's me, quietly listening, occasionally chuckling. Don't make me wait, #73. You know I want to hear allllll about Josh's fetish for Pez shafts. Don't hold back. Show me the way Tapan wiggles his fingers. What was that? Did you say that Mike subpoenas someone? Oh, #73. You're bad ;)

    Pairings: a dedicated Swede; famous feet, I tell ya, tinsel toes!; a temp plate template

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    Anxiety Loves Company

    Here’s a quick test to determine how well you’ll relate to this episode: Imagine you’ve just peed inside your own pants. In public. And they’re khakis. Now, do you... A. Laugh, B. Cry, C. Insist you heard that peeing in your pants is cool now, or D. Shrivel into a shamehusk until you blink out of existence. If you answered D, you’re in for a treat! We confront our teenage anxieties in this one, and along the way we share some downright frightening laughs, get choked by the neck a bit, pull a few teeth, and come out the other side better for it. A real redemption arc in this one.

    Pairings: the arid sinuses of Josh; trademark teeth; the courage to punch your own father

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    Stinkbugs from Above

    Avoiding stink is one of life's great challenges. From our soup factories to our hot bars to the folds of our very jeans, everything smells bad, almost all the time. Join us this week for a special Instead Of: Stink Hunters edition, in which: Josh handles his god damn business, Tapan beats chemistry within a nanometer of its life, and Mike has just had enough.

    Pairings: stink-to-it-iveness; intimate knowledge of your closest friends; a nice cat

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