Instead Of

A hypothetical podcast wherein three friends consider life's real headscratchers: What if instead of with hands, sign language meant communicating with cue cards? How much ranch dressing is too much…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? What are we all, like, even doing here? Think of us as the very best of the replies on AskReddit, because then we can think it too.

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    Whisper of a Troll

    Our bones: How much do we really need them? Sure, they keep our organs in and make us human-shaped, but couldn't we do... better? Here at Instead Of, we can always do better. That's why these hoverboots were made for walkin', and that's just what we're doing in this episode. We walk all over science, medicine, propriety, and good taste in this one, and boy do we smash a lot of bones in the process. Along the way, we get in line for a sexy middle-aged rollercoaster, we role-play a play, and we finally have our seminal Serial moment.

    Pairings: a hot dad; a bespoke nickname; a landline

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    Wishbone Thugs N Rooftop Harmony

    Raise your hand if you've ever gotten a haircut. Pretty familiar and relatable, right? Well what if we told you that each time you get a haircut, you morph a little bit—on the outside and the inside. In fact, everything you see and touch and put in your mouth every day has morphed before and will morph again, including you. Especially you. In this episode, we explore the mighty morphin' world around us, which includes: Josh morphing himself up some personal leg boats, Tapan's recipe for morphed chips and salsa, and Mike morphing it up in the streets.

    Pairings: “afoldly,” the word; a personal life; push notifications about burgers

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    Lumberjerks Wanted

    When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, the first thing those people need is a Really Dope Flag. Luckily, here in Insteadovia, we hold THESE truths to be self-evident: That triangular flags are really just pennants--a sub-category of flags, sure, but not the Genuine Article; that your rights to Life, Liber-tree and the pursuit of Sappiness are inalienable vis a vis how your Pee smells; and that no amount of Jerkmurder, however infinite, is enough to break the bonds that tie us all together.

    Pairings: Fore-head skin™; a cool new wang with a bunch of new crime-fighting features; a handful of cream

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    A Gameshow About Nothing

    Here are some questions upon which you might want to ruminate briefly before you hit play on this one: Who are you? What makes you... you? Have you ever, in your whole life, actually witnessed an Italian eat an omelette? In this episode, your intrepid hosts--mere voyagers on this journey we call life--probe the opaque, unknowable nooks and crannies of one another's psyches at depths we've never before explored. In so doing, we not only strengthen our interpersonal bonds, we bathe our dark sides in the brilliant, blinding lights of a gameshow set, for all the world to see.

    Pairings: backbone headphones; nothing; a snack and a Switch

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    Tall Shark Tales

    You can get a lot of things done in a year, and if you're good at counting, it turns out one of those things is recording 54 episodes of a weekly podcast. In honor of The Little Show that Could but Probably Shouldn't turning one this week, we bring back all those old chestnuts you've grown to love over the year: We catch up with frequent guest Dunston the orangutan from the film Dunston Checks In, we fuck up some walruses because they deserve it, and somewhere in there we come up with a business idea or fall down on the ground or whatever.

    Pairings: a smaller mouth; a benevolent puppetmaster; the gall to lie to another human being who trusts you

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    DNA vs. NWO: Dreamworld Tour

    We actually don't know what got into us in this one, but we're gonna get a little punchy, folks. We're sorry to say, but we actually squish someone's body so hard they die in this episode. Yeah. We know. Later on, we beat the crap out of people with root vegetables and topiary, and the thing is... we like it. Everything's fine, we swear, but we do leave beautiful corpses behind about halfway through this one. Hell, we even talk shit about butterflies. Here's one nice thing, though: we have a plan to comfort you as you slip into the cold embrace of death. Enjoy!

    Pairings: all that saliva you keep swallowing; a performance onesie; worldly desires

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    The Whole Restofit: Part II

    Folks, it's gonna behoove you to wear a helmet while you listen to this one. We mean it. We've got cantaloupes fallin' off windowsills, we got people slimin' other people, we got guys stickin' their heads inside pelicans. It's a crazy world out there in Episode 52. Are you strapped in? Okay: In this one, a melon hits the stupiddome, Mike monetizes his first dates, and Tapan improbably learns a life lesson via limited public transportation.

    Pairings: three tickets to Aspen; two big hearts; one convicted criminal

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    The New Old Testament: Part I

    Blood. What would we do without it? Not much, it turns out. Blood keeps our bodies running nice and hot, it fills our engorged muscles, and it provides us our many boners. In fact, you might say that blood gives the whole world a boner. But how does blood work, and what is it? In this episode, your hosts, one of whom is technically a scientist, go hemo-globetrotting around the high pressure world of blood, asking in-cyte-ful questions like: Can you die if your blood is too hot? How do you get new blood? Can blood be in your body and in a cup at the same time? Later on, Mike wears leg bags, Josh leaves his clothes on, and Tapan recaptures the magic... with someone new.

    Pairings: the hole where your spleen used to be; secret dogs; cumin pie

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    Wheel Talk: We're 50

    Before you listen to this one, we have a checklist for you to complete: 1. Sit down; 2. Relax; 3. Drop some acid; 4. Eat hard candies; 5. Keep relaxing, everything's fine; 6. Become a spider; 7. STOP RELAXING. Did you do it? Are you scared now? Okay, then here we go: This week's episode stars Josh, who creeps the shit out of everybody at the grocery store, Tapan, who gets twice as ripped as a human being ever could, and Mike, who gets his mogul ass whooped.

    Pairings: A bona fide extraterrestrial stunt driver; business acumen; a jet black heart

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    The Rest Is History

    According to the latest data, a small cadre of diehard fans in Japan listen to Instead Of instead of other podcasts. Hello, fans in Japan! We're sure you have a lovely country, but we've never been there, so we're not really sure what we're bringing to the table for you all. That said, we hope you enjoy some more of our regularly scheduled hot shit: Josh's pizza man is a blasé faire capitalist, Mike sucks up $1.10 worth of pepper, and Tapan puts an unlikely corporate merger to bed.

    Pairings: superhuman self-restraint; a steel-reinforced vuvuzela; a whistle only ducks can blow

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