A hypothetical podcast wherein three friends consider life's real headscratchers: What if instead of with hands, sign language meant communicating with cue cards? How much ranch dressing is too much…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? What are we all, like, even doing here? Think of us as the very best of the replies on AskReddit, because then we can think it too.
When it comes to knowing what jurisprudence is, your hosts are like a Monet: pretty fuzzy. This week, show badboy Josh is in trouble with the law again, and unfortunately for him, we're barely lawyers. While Josh r's in the c for b'in' and e'in', Mike gets seduced by MSRPs, Tapan upgrades his clem-intake, and we all come together to paint some circles.
Pairings: a nice, warm tummy bladder; Galactic Dirt Doritos; bookends
A terrible porno
Better than Greg Ravioli
The best deal in town
Traditionally a women's name
We’re sorry, everybody, but this ‘sode got pretty heavy into wieners. We’re not sure how; they just sort of crept up on us. Maybe it was one of those great cosmic coincidences where the universe is trying to tell us something about penises—you’ll have to ask Josh (he’s been to NASA). Amidst all the chat about different animals’ dicks, we drill down on some penetrating topics, including: Josh, and the bland corpse he will one day leave behind; Tapan, matchmaker to sexless felines; and Mike, who dissolves into a bag of goo live on the air.
Pairings: six inches of Nerd; Instead Of Uncut; a ball sack stuck to your body for the rest of your life
When it comes to procuring maternal love, your hosts are downright experts. As seasoned sons, we're battling it out in the filial trenches every day, grinding those approval numbers, forecasting birthdays, remembering to call. In other words, earning our percentage. Tune in this week to learn how you can achieve the amount of love you deserve when your senior citizen parents welcome more competition into the fold. Later on, we learn a lot about our moms, Josh brushes up on his arm action, Tapan greases a palm or two, and Mike moves into a shitty old underground cave.
Pairings: car wash skis; ha'p'orths; a substance even more slippery than eels
This episode comes out on American Thanksgiving, a time of year when we gather with family and friends to feast, appreciate each other, and, with a little luck, listen to our favorite podcast hosts. Let us kick off the festivities by saying: You’re quite welcome. Among the many things we here at Instead Of are thankful for this year, the biggest one is definitely pee. We talk about it for hours and hours, and this episode’s no different. We also touch strangers on the elbow, install sprinklers in our pants, kill a dog, and finally get to the bottom of that age-old question: Could Sonia Sotomayor operate on a fish?
Pairings: the grace of Josh’s presence; food, but for dogs; non-melting ice
You're a short one, #73, but doggone it, you're just such a good one. On this, our 29 minute anniversary, I need to tell you, #73. I got it bad for you. There you are, all sexy with your irreverent segments and your cute little music cues, and then there's me, quietly listening, occasionally chuckling. Don't make me wait, #73. You know I want to hear allllll about Josh's fetish for Pez shafts. Don't hold back. Show me the way Tapan wiggles his fingers. What was that? Did you say that Mike subpoenas someone? Oh, #73. You're bad ;)
Pairings: a dedicated Swede; famous feet, I tell ya, tinsel toes!; a temp plate template
Here’s a quick test to determine how well you’ll relate to this episode: Imagine you’ve just peed inside your own pants. In public. And they’re khakis. Now, do you... A. Laugh, B. Cry, C. Insist you heard that peeing in your pants is cool now, or D. Shrivel into a shamehusk until you blink out of existence. If you answered D, you’re in for a treat! We confront our teenage anxieties in this one, and along the way we share some downright frightening laughs, get choked by the neck a bit, pull a few teeth, and come out the other side better for it. A real redemption arc in this one.
Pairings: the arid sinuses of Josh; trademark teeth; the courage to punch your own father
Avoiding stink is one of life's great challenges. From our soup factories to our hot bars to the folds of our very jeans, everything smells bad, almost all the time. Join us this week for a special Instead Of: Stink Hunters edition, in which: Josh handles his god damn business, Tapan beats chemistry within a nanometer of its life, and Mike has just had enough.
Pairings: stink-to-it-iveness; intimate knowledge of your closest friends; a nice cat
They say that love at first sight is just a myth, a fairy tale reserved for swooning, big-handed teens and hair stylists with big city dreams, and here at Instead Of, we know they're right. Love at first sight isn't real! Deep in our animatronic hearts, we know that a true lifelong, abiding love is always the product of open, honest communication, a profound commitment to realizing the best in one another, and shitting on Mark Ruffalo. Accordingly, we fall in love in this one, in addition to: bootlegging closed captions, building a better monkey, and receiving community rubdowns.
Pairings: earworm repellent; a handy bottle of All-Purpose Damox; a sick hug
Look. We all know that last episode was #68. We also know that next episode will be #70. And here we all are, sandwiched in between. Now, longtime listeners will attest that your hosts are nothing—nothing!—if not gentlemen, and we’re here to tell you: This is a classy episode. Foul language will not be tolerated. Keep your hands to yourself. Impure thoughts? Forget about it. Please, show your three gentle men the respect we deserve and refrain from saying, thinking about, or performing the sex number during this episode. Let’s be better than that.
Pairings: a Daily Rubble; a signature skateboard; a cocaine pizza
They say the scariest thing about corn is how unhealthy it is to put in your body, so during the month of Spooktober, we here at Instead Of don’t just eat corn. We also drink corn, walk among corn, and in this one, corn spooks us to our respective cobs. So turn up your fog machines, fill those mystery bowls with some corn, and settle in for a terrifying episode, in which: Josh joins a moisture-based fetish club, Mike gets a grip on his priorities, and Tapan’s just trying to share his sunshine.
Pairings: a nice, juicy corn steak; sun guile; a licensed pediatrician
It's... different in here. The air is thick, heavy, tinged with the scent of something metallic—copper... or blood. When you step inside, the floor creaks beneath each footfall. A sudden rush of cold air blows your candle out. It's pitch black, and you're too scared to move. You regret shaving your beard directly into your own shirt. The floor creaks again ...pat...pat...pat... and you realize it isn't you moving this time. You close your eyes tight, try not to make a sound. The door creaks slowly shut behind you. It's collection time. Welcome to Episode 67, the first installment in our wildly popular Spooktober Spectabuclar series! In this one, we bring you three tales to haunt your dreams and ruin your life: the Thanksgiving tables are turned on an unsuspecting victim, two cursed cops take on a hell of a job, and one friend has “bad news.”
Pairings: a spooky nom de Tweet; a stab-proof wallet; a square chip